I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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