Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
