Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
