Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
