apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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