The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
