She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
