Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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