i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
