We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
