I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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