My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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