bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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