i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
love makes seman taste better
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
