He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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