I think I just saw someone hide a body.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
