i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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