A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
