His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
