i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
