"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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