i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
