Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
