I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
