my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize