we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
