Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize