So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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