either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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