Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Two words: blizzard sex
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize