seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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