if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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