i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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