You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
