I want to make a zoo with you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
