In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
