I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize