Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My liver just broke up with me...
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
