Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
