Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
