Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
