hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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