is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize