You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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