I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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