Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
