meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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