he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
