Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize