hotel room ftw
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
