I am puke
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize