I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
