If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
