you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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