I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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