My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
