dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
