if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize