I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
