haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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