porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I still have a little drunk in my system
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
