Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize